This summer, in an attempt to preserve some of my garden bounty (holyshit the cucumbers) and feel like a productive and capable human being, I started canning things. This is very much in line with my other hobbies that were once critical life skills, like spinning yarn and making edible things grow.

But botulism is scary. I’m shit at following recipes and have the attention span of a hummingbird. This isn’t really news, but it certainly hasn’t helped my very real fear of killing myself with canned goods. Given the crazy-high acid content (I omit onions in everything, so all my recipes are vinegar overkill) I don’t think it’s likely, but still. How the hell did people survive without scientifically tested recipes from the government and the fine folks at Ball? How does humanity still exist, given all the things that could have and should have wiped us out? We are parasites, guys.

Anyway, so far this season I’ve managed to pack away:

• 5 pints roasted tomato salsa
• 6 half-pints salsa verde
• 6 pints dill pickles
• 2.5 pints sweet pickles
• 2 pints pickled jalapenos
• 5 half-pints sweet cucumber relish
• 4 half-pints raspberry jam

I still have to turn some ground cherries into jam, but overall I’m pretty proud of what I’ve managed to do with very little planning and no prior knowledge. Here’s to learning new skills, particularly ones that will be useful in the forthcoming apocalypse.